What I feared the most finally happened. My sister graduated, she left yesterday. I sent her to the airport and realized that it was only the beginning of the end when I took her in my arms. Nineteen years of my life living under the same roof, first time apart. That’s when I look back and say ”shit, time flew by”. It won’t take long until we add up one more year for my other sister to leave and another year for me to leave my little bro. If this has an impact on me, I wonder what it could possibly do to my mom. I’m starting to wonder about how we all are going to end up. Who could have ever guessed that we would end up the four of us in Thailand after living our whole life in Paris? What will it be like in five years? That’s what we call life I guess.
Done with my midterm exams since last week, however, I’ve still been under stress. I constantly feel like I’m running out of time. Everything seem to happen so fast and I barely know what I’m doing. People I thought I could count on were just some pretty little fake plastic decorations in my life. I know that we have to go from the principle that we do something for somebody because we are willing to do it and not because we expect something in return, but I think the minimum could be respect. Here I go, I guess that’s where my stress came from…
I’ll be honest, I can’t stop stalking your facebook and following every move you do. It feels like eternity since I last felt your presence while I last saw you on Wednesday. So it’s been a week huh? I can’t help it. I don’t know if it is because you aren’t communicating with me that I’m feeling so crazy about you, but I am. I just can’t stop thinking about the day we spent together. I can’t get over how good I felt when I was with you. I’m even laughing about it right now, maybe it is alcohol doing this to me right now. Actually it isn’t because I have been feeling this way for several days now. I don’t know what it is but I want to believe that you are overwhelmed with work.. Yes I do want to believe this… I don’t care how ”impossible” this could seem, but I want you to be mine.
I’m currently in Vientiane, escaping the flood of Thailand. I’m praying that it will all get better before we know it.
Vientiane is the capital of Laos yet so peaceful. I have been doing nothing, literally nothing. It gave me sometimes to think and clear my mind. I thought I would die of boredom, too much free time that could lead me to instantaneously think about you. I was wrong, this peaceful time made me realize that my feelings weren’t as deep as I thought. I realized that deep inside, you didn’t really know me. I talked to some friends who knew me so well and knew exactly how I was feeling everytime I talked to them. I can’t believe it… I realized the reason why I was so hurt wasn’t because I didn’t have you anymore, but because I didn’t succeed in being in your life for good while I tried so hard. I have no idea why I wanted to make it work so badly.. It had to end anyways.
Here we come back to the quote ”everything is ephemeral”. I never thought we’d end up this way and to be honest I’m truly disappointed in our relationship, in you. I wanted you so much, in every way and you never, never succeeded in making me feel loved. I was determined not to get into this but I trusted this, I trusted you, I thought we could make it. I even pictured you in my future, I know it’s a bit over said… There is just no words to describe my feelings right now. Though I knew how bad we got along, I didn’t want to give up.. Not yet.. but as I could see, you had already since a longtime ago. Now I’ll deal with what I have, myself. Once again, on my own. The cycle will never end.
It felt like I didn’t know what it was like to be alone anymore… and recently, this feeling came to meet me. A feeling of insecurity. I never thought I’d feel this way one day, because it had been too long. I never knew what it was like to feel rejected, because I had never been looking for someone else other than my loved one. Once I was on my own, everything seemed different. I was… alone & rejected. I never understood those people complaining about how it could hurt… I have been hurt and I can say now that I understand those people. However, the pain I’m feeling is temporary and I know it, so should the people…
* A song that I avoid to listen to because it’d just make me think about you.. and I feel so bad to know that I’m not your type, I wish you had never talked to me, I wish you had never impressed me..
It doesn’t seem like it, but it’s been almost three years now. Three years I moved out from my hometown, three years… Here I am, Bangkok, and I still don’t feel home. Talking about that, Paris wouldn’t make me feel like home if I ever go back there to live either. Then where is my home? Where do I belong? The first moments I spent here feels like it was yesterday. Time has gone by so fast and I’m scared. I’m 18 and about to start my second year of university, my sister is graduating in less than a year. After she leaves for her master degree, we’ll never be all together again. People always leave, a quote I have always had on mind. When I look back, I often tell myself I regret so many things, I’ve made mistakes and they became regrets. But talking about regrets here, do they really exist? How can we say we regret something if that’s what we wanted from the start? We are always aware of what we’re doing and that’s not called a regret if that’s what we wanted to do, that’s what we were going to do anyways. What I am left with today is all because of myself, the loss or the gain I got are from the decisions I made. All along my life, people coming in and leaving my life, some lost along the way… remain in my memory. There always is a reason why somebody is lost.
Its been a week since New year. I haven’t thought about my new year’s resolutions, have you? I’m in my midterm period right now which is ending next thursday. The hardest exams are already behind me, thank God. I went to the swimming pool today which made me feel so good. Have you ever jumped into a cold swimming pool? My stress has been totally withdrawn. At least something good I did to myself.
I went to four different places in Bangkok for New year. It would have been too boring to stay at one place for the whole night. I went back home at dawn.
I remain sitting on my chair writing this post in a dark and warm room. I’m all alone and to be honest, that’s what I wanted. Sometimes I feel like the whole world’s behind me, I’m at the top and nothing else matters. Tonight, I have a strange feeling. I looked around me today and saw so many things I had never noticed before… Is Life based on any purpose? People living life with a dream they wish to reach, but whenever they reach it, does it mean it is the end? Is there another dream queueing up? Are we supposed to reach our dreams as if they were missions to be accomplished? How about those who don’t have a dream? Are they disturbing this human society? Are those without a dream the audience? I can’t believe that some people are calling them “different” or “special” because they do something of their “life”. We are all different, we are all unique. Meanwhile, we are all the same. Yes, the same… Human beings are so materialistic…
Arrrhh.. what am I saying.. I don’t seem to make any sense here.. do I?
I’m finally having my Songkran Holiday. Yup! An entire week! I’ve been waiting for it for sometimes and now that we’re here, there are political problems that stop me from having some fun… The question that teenagers of my age wonder : “Is this shit going to cease before my Songkran Holiday ends?” Well, we all don’t know and hope for it to end asap.
The place where I used to shopping at is closed. The whole area is closed. There are two things I like to do the most : Eat and Shopping. So if no shopping at Siam, then I might spend my week eating? Perhaps I won’t.
I’m starting my first day of holiday by waking up at 11 o`clock. What a late morning! Planning to go to a mall around my house to eat and that’s all. Maybe a little shopping, something that could cheer me up !
Last week I went two days in Vientiane, Laos. I was alone at home and got bored so decided to go see my daddy. I also brought my babe Hime with me! Left Mookie at home alone… Am I cruel?
Somehow I use this blog to talk to you… Somehow I know you’ve never read me because you don’t care much and also because you don’t even know the existence of it. That must be a good thing? Then one day.. you might find it, you might know that it is about you that I’m talking?
I never want to say that you’re not the one I wish you were, because if I love you, I’m supposed to love you for what you are.. and I do! Of course I do, so much.. Sometimes it even becomes a weakness to me. I start to miss you too much and get moody the whole time, think that everything is worthless and need only you by my side. That’s so so stupid and weak. I never want to feel this way, never again. You don’t do anything for me not to feel this way. When I tell you, you answer back “me too, me too” … Why can’t you be sweet sometimes? I don’t care about words can’t you see? You think of yourself as so special because you’re not as romantic as other guys, but that’s what’s missing in you and believe me I miss this feeling of being wanted and loved. I’m a girl, I like those small attentions, small things that shows me that you care.. You tell me that I don’t need these because I already know that you care. Then if I don’t need these, do I need you? The only reason why I’m thinking so much sometimes, is because you are being this way. Cold and Careless. Your reason is : “I’m a boy! I don’t care about small details” so can’t you care about it? If I tell you that’s what I need…
Ahhhh in the end, I’m always complaining… but I do feel better now. I mean, I guess so?
!
